The theory behind the Reptiles in Love workshops

Distressed couples are often shocked, humiliated and frightened by their ridiculous and damaging battles. Whether avoiding each other, lashing out verbally or worse, they cannot believe what is happening to them. In fact, they are responding to the most normal and basic human needs for safety. When threatened, our bodies and minds react instinctively towards self-protection. At such moments we feel the need to either fight or run away.

The biology of stress and threat response dictates that, when in danger, we are less able to think in creative or empathic ways. Our ability to concentrate, organize thoughts, plan and listen are also severely limited. As this happens, the "fight-or-flight" portion of the brain is engaged, suppressing the area of the brain which manages concentration, creativity, empathy, organization and reasoning. This physiological functioning is critical to our survival, when in physical danger, and has nothing to do with the intelligence or caring of the persons involved.

The fight-or-flight response, however, does impair our relationships. In order to obtain relief, couples will often try too hard to "solve things." Traditional marital therapy, as well, will often try to move a troubled couple too quickly towards intimacy and romance. Couples first need ways to relieve the desperation and tension between them. With lowered intensity they can again feel safe with each other. Then, and only then, will they be able to think creatively about their relationship. This requires a step-by-step process, beginning with structuring communications in a somewhat business-like fashion.

Partners often require some simple ground rules for how to talk about difficult subjects in order to feel safe and relaxed. Then they can move towards cooperation, and so on to friendship and intimacy. This may sound like a long process, but couples can work quickly once communication roadblocks are removed and trust is restored. The pursuit of intimacy, without safety and trust, will fail.

In Reptiles in Love workshops participants learn about their own primitive (reptilian brain) responses which make distancing and battle necessary in their intimate relationships. We describe methods by which partners can lower the intensity between them and develop empathic understanding and cooperation.

Learn more about this exciting approach and start working on your own relationship with the book Reptiles in Love, available February 2006 from Jossey-Bass (www.josseybass.com).